“How do you guys do this sleepover thing?” I wrote. I Snapchatted a disoriented selfie to my friends, my hair messy and eyes bloodshot.
His heat warmed the bed, so I crept to the bathroom to cool off. It was then, awake in bed at 4 a.m., that I realized I had never let a guy sleep over before. The next time I saw Jack, he spent the night at my place. His face dug into my chest as he said, “I like you. I took off my shirt and he hugged me tight. Aside from sexual intimacy, my hookups were typically aromantic, absent of cuddling and expressions of affection. He slouched his head onto my hip and wrapped his arms around my waist. We sat on my bed, my back leaning against the wall. Or where he would have gone if his parents were able to afford private school. Or how he spent his day when the school canceled classes because of snow. I imagined what the deer looked like from his dorm room window, roaming the grass at dawn. Suddenly, the person I’d seen as a stranger now fit into my world. I pictured my friends who also attended Potsdam eating in the same cafeteria as Jack, getting drunk at the same frat party. Messages in my Grindr inbox tended to cut to the chase: “Down for now?” “Car sesh?” Men who contacted me because they fantasized about trans women made it difficult for me to feel seen as a person in general, let alone a person worthy of respect. He looked like a sporty boy I would have crushed on in high school. Amid his light brown hair, two-day scruff and meek gaze, his lacrosse T-shirt stood out to me the most. One night I was up late working when I received a Grindr message from him, a selfie. Living in Morningside Heights, I was attending Fordham University for my master’s degree in strategic communication. Typically, the messages I received would start with a vulgar sext, sometimes an unwanted nude photo. At 22, he was a few months older than me, and, other than his age, his entire profile was blank, usually an indicator of a cisgender straight man who was guarded about his attraction to trans women. But I knew there were straight men on Grindr who hungered for a woman like me. Most men in my feed desired to only sleep with each other. It was difficult to be on a gay hookup app as a trans woman. My bio on Grindr read: “Be trans friendly.